My wife and I (I’m also female) met on a dating site. I had “doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any” selected for the “kids info section” on my profile. We fell madly in love and got married a year later.
Before meeting her I had always said I didn’t want kids. Friends kept telling me I’d change my mind but I was certain I wouldn’t. During our engagement I realised my wife would like to have kids and I started coming round to the idea. Raising a child together with someone who love definitely has a very romantic appeal to it. Eventually I agree to having children together.
Fast forward several years. Our relationship starts experiencing more and more difficulties, mostly due to my as-of-yet undiagnosed adhd. My wife also has to deal with health issues that heavily impact her career path. At one point she tells me she thinks she’d rather nor have children after all and instead just focus on getting ahead in her training and career. I realise her telling me this makes me feel relieved.
Fast forward to last summer. Our relationship is doing pretty badly and I’m finally diagnosed with adhd after putting off getting help for almost a year. Not because I didn’t want to but, you know, life is busy, weeks go by and suddenly a whole year has passed.
Our relationship at this point is barely hanging by a thread. We talk about breaking up, that maybe we just don’t fit together because of our individual needs and personal baggage and trauma. But as I start medication and therapy and slowly find my tools to cope with adhd things start getting better and we feel happy in our relationship again.
At some point my wife starts talking about having children again. I ask her what about her telling me she didn’t want any after all and she tells me that she later realised that this wasn’t quite true, it just seemed “the smarter choice” but that she would actually very much like to have a kid.
Now, I really like children and am very good with them. The reason I never wanted any was that I didn’t want this kind of responsibility. I came around to the idea with my wife and I can see the attraction the idea has but I also realise that I myself don’t have any desire to have kids, from within myself. I was more like my wife wanted them and I didn’t feel as strongly opposed anymore to the point where I started to imagine it as a beautiful idea. But also that when she told me she didn’t want to have kids, that this would still be the option I think I’d prefer.
I think I’m slowly starting to cope better with my adhd but it’s still a struggle just to maintain a “normal adult” level of coping with day-to-day stuff. I can’t imagine adding the additional load of raising a child to this. I know kids can be great but even parents who wanted to have kids and are happy tell you that it’s super exhausting and requires a lot of planning and logistics. I don’t think I want that, I feel like regular adult life is already exhausting enough for me.
Two weeks ago my wife asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to have kids. We couldn’t continue the talk at that moment and are in the middle of a few extremely stressful weeks but I like, once they are over, we need to have a talk. I brought up my concern about adhd and she said that I was constantly getting better and that one year from now things that are still a struggle for me now probably won’t be a struggle anymore. That’s probably true but when that happens I’ll be happy as it is and don’t want to add additional stress to my life by having a kid.
Many of our friends have recently had kids and I think this is also affecting my wife. I feel bad about agreeing to have kids a few years ago and now realising I don’t think I want to have them after all. I can imagine having kids to be a beautiful experience but I think I just don’t want to have any after all, I think the stress and exhaustion would break me :(
If you don’t want kids, you really should listen to that and not be swayed by other sentiments IMHO. You can’t expect your wife to do all the heavy lifting; you will need to step up. And it is hard and unrelenting work to raise children. It’s okay if that’s something you were wanting to do as it can become a source of meaning. If you don’t want to be there it will feel like a trap and there will not be a way out of it. I appreciate that this might mean that you and your wife would need to separate so she could have a chance to have children without you. Its just that important that you go into having children really wanting to do it because if you dont want to do it it will hurt everyone.
I don’t think my wife would separate to have kids with someone else (other factors I don’t want to go into), I think she would stay with me and feel unhappy about not having kids :(
Another factor is, I feel like there’s still something wrong with our relationship dynamic. Although things have been getting better I feel like there’s still something that’s not working right and (a) I think we need to figure out what is is and fix it and (b) I think having children would make this dynamic even worse.
I’m sorry but I need to blubber a bit in self pity, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything atm. I feel like my wife should have met someone else instead of me. I feel like a failure and constant burden. Even though I’m trying hard I feel like I can’t become the reliable adult that she wants to be with and that she deserves.
You really have to both want children, it cannot just be to make the other happy. Having a kid is life changing. My wife and I both wanted a kid and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It definitely does not strengthen or fix relationships, any problems get amplified and many more new ones are added due to the extra responsibility placed upon both of you.
I wouldn’t ever want to go back because I wanted a child and she’s amazing. It has taken everything I had though. If I hadn’t wanted kids and just did it for my wife then it would have been unbearable.
Hey. Just because you are different doesn’t mean you’re a burden. You don’t deserve to feel like that. Nobody should make you feel like that.
Even if these feelings aren’t coming from external factors I want you to know you’re not a burden and asking for help and advice is hard and I’m proud of you that you did so. Nobody has all the answers. Even the most put together people have struggles. They have things they aren’t good at.
Part of human nature is needing other people sometimes. Part of human nature is not being a good fit for every situation. You’re enough. You’re good enough. I know sometimes there’s a little voice that says terrible things about you in your head. That voice is wrong.
That being said, take time for yourself to figure things out. You’ve got time. You have a lot to process. Hug.
Thank you so much <3 This really means a lot. I just… I often feel like my partner should be with someone who’s a natural at caring for others and managing the mental load. Whereas I… she had often said that being with me is like being with a teenager, and I can see what she means. I try to be reliable and become better at “adulting” but it’s a constant struggle and sometimes I feel like it would be better if I just were and stayed single because I’m not sure I’m even capable of carrying the responsibility that comes with being in a serious, committed, adult relationship.
If you feel there are other issues to be solved. Definitely solve those first before proceeding.